Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the tulip fields, now we see that Dutch authorities are warning us of a venomous African green mamba that escaped from its owner in the town of Tilburg. //

The African green mamba has a nasty neurotoxin venom, and its bite can be extremely dangerous, but authorities--while urging caution--no doubt wish to avoid panic; it won't help for the Dutch populace to become hissterical. In the cold climate of the Dutch winter, the tropical snake is unlikely to be viperactive. In fact, it may well still be in the owner's house; it's not as though the snake could commandeer a vehicle and flee, not even an ana-Honda. And it's likewise certain that the snake won't be boarding an aircraft back to Africa, which would transform it from a Green Mamba to a Boeing Constrictor. //

Back to snakes. I could rattle off a few good snake stories myself; in the northeast Iowa hills where I grew up, venomous rattlesnakes were common, some growing up to 72 inches in length--you have to measure them in inches because they don't have feet--and while their skins made great hatbands, which one could show off at the local boa-ling alley, they weren't bad eating, either. You just had to be careful to stay away from the sharp end, and the residents of Dutch Tilburg would be well-advised to do the same.

Samuel L. Jackson was unavailable for comment. //

Anne in Rockwall Texas
6 hours ago
Dear Mr. Clark.

Thank you. I laughed so hard, I moved that d*** kidney stone. Greetings from Texas Presbyterian Hospital. I'm going to read it again and maybe I'll be out of here in the morning! You sure can write. //

Ward Clark Kenamy
7 hours ago
Are you saying I should scale it back some?

Domino Ward Clark
5 hours ago
On a sssliding ssscale, about two notchessss.